Saturday, February 28, 2009

Mosquito Sideboard #1

I had a vague notion (not to be confused with Ken Kesey's great notion)that I should ruthlessly emulate Hazel Blackberry's awesome blog with its light but nutty blanc mange of funny remembered conversations and piercing insights.

So I thought *I* should start remember all the fitfully amusing conversations that *I'm* part of. Like:

Me: Just this, thanks. [Displaying copy of Sydney Morning Herald that I intend to purchase].
Newsagent: That'll be [notional price. This is a fake anecdote. I don't really know how much the Herald (or S-M-H as Jessie Mo insists on calling it) actually costs].
Me: OK [Handing over coins].
Newsagent: Here [handing back a coin when I believed I'd given him the right money]
Me: Oh?
Newsagent: You gave me [notional amount] too much.
Me: Oh, OK, thanks.
Newsagent: No worries. Have a good day. Also I don't think the holocaust really happened.

But seriously (because that was a fake anecdote and the holocaust did really happen. But it's nice to know that a fictional holocaust denier can at least have some integrity when it comes to fictitious money. Fictitious holocaust deniers are bad people to be sure but they may not always be pure evil through and through), I had some bitter old men around for a drink in my back garden. Anyway, a couple of exchanges were fitfully amusing and I swore to remember them to post.

I thought that if I remembered a key word from each exchange I'd be able to piece the conversation back together. I carefully committed to memory: Mosquito Sideboard. Let me repeat that: Mosquito Sideboard.

But several weeks later, I'm buggered if I can remember what they signify. I'm like a police sergeant giving evidence in court.

Judge: Counsel for the defence may examine the witness.
Defence: Thank you, your Honour. Sergeant, can you please take us back to the events of the evening of the 27th of March?
Sergeant: Yes, sir. [Laboriously flips through note book, forwards and backwards, several times.] Ah, um, Mosquito Sideboard.
Prosecution: Objection!
Defence: No further questions, your Honour.

Next time I post, I may try to piece together the mystery that is Mosquito Sideboard.

In any case, Mosquito Sideboard is a perfectly decent band name. Along with my new current faves:

Use of Bees
Airport Emergency Fuel Stop


Not Drowning Mother said...

I suspect "Mosquito Sideboard" might be a good title for a sequel to Peter Weir's film "The Mosquito Coast". Particularly since, some 23 years later, the cast are either elderly or dead and therefore unlikely to make it further than the sideboard in the dining room when setting off to start a New Life in Central America.

What's more, If they spliced footage of River Phoenix's original performance into the new film, perhaps he might get a posthumous Oscar Heath-style?

PS. Thanks for the laughs.

Ampersand Duck said...

I'm sorry your theory doesn't work. Halfway through the post I was getting very excited, because I'm depressingly bad at remembering dialogue* and am always looking for a solution that doesn't involve hand-held recorders.

*note I wrote 'dialogue' instead of 'conversation'. Poxy arspiring (sic) writer that I am.

Nick Crumbedprawn said...

NDM: I hope that by now the Guatemalan Tourist Board has reconsidered its largely unsuccessful branding of the coastline in question. I'm thinking something like: Shiny Beetle Coast or maybe just something simple like Nice Coast.

&Duck: (it must be quite a burden for you to go around with one of the coolest names ever). I think its actually not a bad system if you go from keywords to notepad within 24 hours. 2 weeks was pushing it.

hazelblackberry said...

I tend to use more words than just "Mosquito Sideboard" to jog the memory. Not that I have ever used, or will ever use, the words "Mosquito Sideboard". Except for now.